Life As It Comes: Deja Vu..

Here I am. Sitting at my table with my laptop in front of me and so unsure of what I wanna do or how I'm even feeling or thinking now. I'm so stirred up that I can't even think straight. My feelings and emotions are all jumbled up and I don't even know where to start putting them straight.. But I think I'll try. Because I'm very sure this exact moment in time has happened before. To the best of my memory, it has happened last summer, around mid August. Although, things are somewhat different now then they were last summer. I wonder if I even should put down my thoughts in words. I have never been any good at writing essays and even now, the points just don't come out right and I'm blabbing away about things that don't have any meaning at all.

Anyhow, I'll try to enumerate all the things that are hitting at me now..

Life sucks.
I want to go back to Moscow, Russia. At least there I'll only have my studies to worry about and nothing more. Here, I have to worry about my flight deadline coming in 3 days, I have to worry about whether or not I have packed everything I need to bring back to Russia. I'm responsible for the things of 3 people and I can not forget to bring any of those things back.
I'm bored. I have to get my things together. I have certain responsibilities to complete and thus, I don't have time to go hang out with my friends. The people I really want to spend time with, catching up and doing fun stuff that will help take my mind of the past.
I'm sick. I've caught the flu bug even though I didn't go bug hunting. Imagine how sucky it is when your nose runs non stop and your eyes are heavy and constantly tearing. Together with the constant sneezing. Ooh.. And my wisdom tooth is causing me trouble. Now my entire lower left jaw aches like mad. Chewing, yawning, smiling, laughing, talking, etc that uses my jaw hurts. And to top it all off, I have a throbbing headache. Ooh.. Lost my mood to do anything today and yet I have to really control myself from offending other people.. Thank God I still have enough self-control left to apologize to my mom the second I realise I'm barking at her instead of talking..
I want to run away from reality. I want to leave this life that I'm in now and enter a world of fantasy where everything I wish for comes true and my life is so easy without all the worries, stress, and emotional problems I keep coming up against..
I know very well no. 5 won't ever happen. I came across this phrase earlier today, "
I could say I'm not sad, but I'd be lying.
The problem is the world won't let me stay a kid forever.
So I can't lie around crying about it either
So, knowing the fact that I'll still have to endure life as it comes at me and there's no escape, it just makes me feel rather miserable.
And yeah. The biggest thing on my mind which I'm still trying to cover up and throw away. The fact that I'm currently alone in life and I've no one to rely or fall upon when in need of emotional support. Wish it was the time for me to have a girlfriend and that one would appear in my life. Why did this ever have to happen to me. Everyone has to be my friends now. I cannot allow another female within 10 feet of my heart. Thus, a wall has been built which I'm afraid to take down. And I really hope that this wall will not deter or turn away the perfect one planned for me from the very beginning.
I wonder if I've really neglected God..? I wonder if the quietness and loneliness I feel is due to the void in my heart.. I wonder if He has left me alone for awhile to stew in my problems and overcome them and learn the lesson He wants me to learn.. I wonder if I'm failing Him by what I've been doing..? I wonder why it has to be at this time that I have to go through all these problems of life. I wonder why He didn't make me an exception and give me a life worry free and smooth sailing in every aspect especially "love"..? I wonder........if I'll ever have an answer to these questions..

Guess what is going on while I'm crapping away, feeling sorry for myself and blaming everyone but myself?