My Problem..

Went to Sunway Pyramid today because my sister wanted to go ice skating with my brother. And there, I saw quite a few things that made me recall the reason I started this blog in the first place. I'm lonely and I'm still trying to get in the fact that I'm not ready for a relationship since even the one I thought was perfect for me left me. It was entirely my fault that we couldn't remain together but even so, it's hard to make myself accept the fact that I have to continue to move forward -alone-..

It happened this way...

When I broke off from my mistake relationship early 2008, I told myself that I would never make that same mistake ever again. I never would hurt myself nor any other girl this way. It was my statement in life that the very next girl I started a relationship with would be the one that would become my wife in the near future. And I was prepared to make that happen no matter how long I had to wait for the right girl. I expected to have to wait for quite a few years at least but then, somehow or rather, she entered my life.

Well, to be exact, she was there from the start. I just didn't pay much attention to her. But as time progressed, I found myself more and more attracted to her. It wasn't the loneliness from being single, it wasn't the hormones, neither was it from physical attraction. It was the enjoyment from her company, the many things I found we had in common and many more. We started communicating more since we were both involved in Malaysian Fellowship Moscow in our hostel. She just so happened to be everything I had wanted in someone who would be the perfect wife for me. She was a strong christian, shorter and younger then me, active, good PR and was very pleasant to be with anywhere, anytime.

I needed to be sure. I told God. I asked for answers. I even told my parents. But nothing came conclusive. The only thing that happened was she started paying more attention to me too. I took that as a sign that it was okay. And one fine day I asked her what she thought of me. It was the best time of my life when a positive answer came back. Oh wow. I thought she was the answer to my prayers. I thought my life of loneliness was over. I thought there was now someone I could love and support and receive the same from. I was so sure that she was the one. Unsaid, we were together.

Then, things changed. I rushed-in a way.. I couldn't wait for the relationship to progress slowly as was the normal way, and it moved even slower considering the fact that she was new to this kind of things. I wanted very much to bring this relationship up to the level I had with my past one and so I rushed her. I did tell her what I wanted and God bless her, she did say she would try. Until one day, she told me she needed time to reconfirm with God if she was doing the right thing by going with me. She was uncertain, insecure, a little scared maybe. So she asked for some time to think. I agreed. I needed to back off. And I couldn't do it. I managed for about 2-3 days. But that was it. I remember "harassing" her for her answer. I kept asking. I kept pushing. Now thinking back, I'm sure I totally ruined any chance of her coming back to me. This is something about me that I'm not proud of. Something that I've really got to change.

2 weeks later, she gave me a very optimistic answer. That she was quite certain I was the one for her. But then, just as soon as the positive came, the negative overwrote it. And she was back to being uncertain. And then avoidance began. Me. I hate myself for doing what I did. But I couldn't accept the fact that what I promised myself would never happen to me ever again was happening all over again.. My mood changed. I became irritable. I started thinking too much. Every little detail which normal people wouldn't notice, I would take great note of it and dwell my thoughts upon it. And it affected me so much that those around me noticed something wrong about me. And they weren't stupid. It was so obvious that she affected me so much. I had poured my heart into that relationship and really didn't want to lose it again.

But in the end, God still had to come first. She wouldn't tell me everything was over. But the telltale signs were there, and painfully obvious. Her excuses were she needed to study and didn't want to think about this matter. So she refused to talk to me. Thus, on the day she left for Malaysia after her exam, I asked her. I insisted she tell me everything and be blunt with the truth. And it came. Even though I was prepared for the blow, it still hit me hard. I wanted to cry, I needed to cry, but nothing came out. I had forgotten how to cry for many years already. Instead, I threw up the cup of milo I had an hour ago. I told her I was fine, just so she could fly home peacefully, but I wasn't. Come on, any person would know break ups ain't easy. And worse still since I was so sure that I had given my all. And I still had upcoming finals to face in a few days.

Really praise God He pulled me through my examinations. And I have these few days in Malaysia with my family and friends to get myself right with God and myself. And prepare myself for what I had to accept and to face in the next semester. God will give me strength. He promised me that. But I still have to change my thinking and attitude for only that will change how I felt and how my life would move on. Time never stays. And so I do not have time to dwell upon old hurts, old regrets. I have to move on, trusting that my life will be for the better when I allow God to govern it.

I have received a valuable lesson. Whatever God gives, no one can take away. But whatever He does not give, I cannot take. Thus, I have to learn to let God reign in my life. To let Him make decisions for me since only Him and Him alone can see the big picture. It ain't easy. But I must believe that it is the right thing to do.

Finally, this is a song which I want to dedicate to her. I find it really expresses how I feel now. From Backstreet Boys-Just Want You To Know:

Looking at your picture
From when we first met
You gave me a smile
That I could never forget
And nothing I could do
Could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger
Always on my mind
The days would blead
Cause we stayed up all night
You and I were
Everything
Everything to me

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end

I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I'm trying to move ahead
And deep inside
I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty
From the day
The day you slipped away

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end

I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you
I lost myself
No I can't fake it
There's no one else

I just want you to know..........