Today

Today is a better day. Well, at least it started off pretty smoothly. Now I'm trying my best to not blow up at anymore people. I also have to keep telling myself to stop thinking about WS. She drives me crazy in the most unexpected ways. I am not trying to get myself hooked. I'm here to study. She's learning to be Godly, I'm not here to pollute her.

Aaron! Don't pay so much heed to whatever she says or does. She's just another friend. Another good friend.

And don't blow up..!
Don't!!

Bad Times, Depressing Moments.

I just realised that when nice interesting stuff happens, I can't find the mood nor motivation to put it up here. But when something bad or depressing happens, I pull up this window and start typing. It's just human nature I guess.

So, obviously, I'm now depressed.

But, as always, I'll just sleep it off.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Why?

I'm a little down right now..
I don't know why, but most sundays I come back to the hostel alone and feeling depressed..
I'm not too sure about the cause, not too sure about the reason..
But I suppose it's probably because I feel lonely.
I used to dream of going to church with a loved one and coming home with her..
We would have each other as company and God in the middle.
When I was going after someone I thought was the one, I dreamed of this.
Turns out it wasn't meant to be, perhaps not yet.
And here I am, ending up with a lonely phase in life which (of course) will pass.
Perhaps a good sleep and a decision to sit down and slough the whole night might make me feel better.
O Lord, please make me feel better tonight, enough to be able to lead prayer meeting..
I don't want to bring anyone down because of what I individually am feeling.
I'm a little down right now..
The song "YeQu" by JayChou best describes my feeling.
Get a translation and listen to the song, gives you some understanding of when you don't have a loved one beside you.
I'm a little down right now..
But I'll be better.
I always do.
Why should today be any different......

Peace out.

The Stages Of Studies.

The stage of Enthusiasm.
You receive the lesson materials for preparation.

The stage of Motivation.
You begin studying and learning. The materials seems new and interesting.

The stage of Laziness/Business.
The exam seems so far away. There's still time left for later. Things come up. They seem more important than the study materials whose deadline is so much farther away.

The stage of Stress.
Suddenly, exam is just around the corner. You don't know a single thing. Stress factors kick in. More often than not, accompanied with Running Back To God..

The stage of Resignation.
You resign to your fate. Exam is tomorrow and you realise that however much you push and stuff, nothing is going into your brain anymore. Saturation is at it's maximum. No more motivation left to study. Gone too is the stress and increased heart rate. You give up (in a way). Usually accompanied with complaints that there wasn't enough time and excuses such as "I'm leaving all to God" *bull, I say*

The stage of Heightened Senses.
Minutes before the exam itself, you're hurriedly discussing all possible points everyone can think of or trying to memorize all notes that might come out. Praying fervently to God so that everything studied comes out and everything skipped stays out of the exam.

The stage of Resolution.
After the exam, regardless of the result, you resolve to work harder for the next exam so as not to repeat the cycle. You make plans, draw schemes and feel good about yourself.

The cycle repeats itself the very next day and begins with The stage of Enthusiasm again.
Me? I'm currently at the stage of Resignation. I know for sure that I won't pass tomorrow's colloq since I still have some pending exams. But I'm sort of giving up on biochemistry. The subject is enjoyable if I wasn't so far behind and didn't have so much writing and copying to do. Sheesh. I'm preparing for the colloq and enjoying it even though I know for sure I won't be able to take the colloq tomorrow. Anyway, whatever. I don't care anymore.

PS. Mom, if you read this later, please know that I am serving as guitarist in church today and will be much exhausted in the afternoon since I was up discussing biochemistry with my groupmates yesterday night. I think I would need sleep this afternoon so that I can regenerate some energy that will keep me up tonight studying as well. Perhaps we could postpone our chat until monday afternoon when I'm done with some of the pending exams and before I have to prepare to give Physiology tuition at night.

God bless everyone but me.. *Sweat*

Life!

Life!

Trying my best to live ONE freakin Second at a Time..

At times like this, time passes way too slowly. And yet, time flies as well.. Jeez.. Life is so irregular and uneven..

Games

Crap.. I have a problem with the computer. I get on it, and I can't get off it. More self discipline needed. More motivation to study needed as well. Oh well, I decided not to touch any games in this past few days..

Will I get the motivation to study?

Only time will tell..

Wish me luck..

Studying..

I just realised that I feel like I have some purpose for my life and most satisfied whenever I study. But I just can't find the motivation to sit down. Though, when I do finally sit down, I find I end up satisfied and happy with my life. Like I'm finally doing something useful with my life.

Lousy day.. Better ending. Hope tomorrow brings greater day.

I want to feel wanted, not left out, not an outcast. I'm sure everyone wants to feel this way.

O Lord, prepare me heart. You have said, "It's not good for man to be alone". But You have also said, "I will not give you more than you can handle". So Lord, since my heart is weak, prepare me to be able to support a partner then provide me with the perfect one. Amen.

Goodnight Lord.

I'm FREAKING Out!!

I'm FREAKING Out!!

A time in life where that stupid loneliness feeling hits me again..!!

Damned.. Why won't it ever go away and stay away..? WHY!!??!!??

Help!

Help!

That's all I can say now..

Help!

I'll need all the help I can get. My only consolation is that I don't like her and God is with me. I also have my caring and helpful roommates.

Oh Lord, I hate trials. Either I barely pull through or I fail and have to be rescued.

Lord, I need strength.

Jesus, I need love.

Holy Spirit, I need guidance.

Please..

Help..!!

Killer!!

Yesterday, 9/04/09 Thursday, I watched 2 chicken embryos writhe and die as we opened their 1 week old egg shells and poured the contents on a petri dish. It was for studying virus culturing in Microbiology class.

Omgoodness.. The tiny unformed embryo, that looked just like a 3 week old human embryo, had large black eyes that couldn't blink because there weren't any eye lids, small stubs where the wings and legs were supposed to be gave occasional spasms. We could even observe the heart beating occasionally. It died about 5 mins after exposure and the yolk sac broken.

I was told to pour the ounce of flesh and building materials into a jar of strong detergent to make sure all living cells are killed/destroyed/broken down. There were 6 classes going on, if each class had 2 embryonated eggs, that would be 12 chicks killed. Oh wow..

I'll place the video up here after editing..

*I actually felt a little pity for the little embryo. Guess I need to toughen myself up a bit. I can't be a researcher nor a doctor if I feel over experimental subjects*

Another poem

I was going to Russian class this morning and while leaving the hostel, this came to me again. I wonder if I should quit medicine and take up a career in poem composing..

It's weird how sometimes a small unexpected little thing can ruin your entire day..
I came down the lift
Unexpectedly met 2 friends
Of whom would usually say hi and was really really friendly
But this time when I mumbled hi
I only got 1 reply
And that was from her friend standing next to her
They walked into the life and disappeared
And I was left on the 1st floor wondering away

Did anything happen that I was unaware of?
Did something happen that really made a gap?

And I exited my hostel
And the wind was howling again
And there were small flakes of snow
Just swirling with the wind
Some landed on my face
Some landed on my hands
And while they melted
They froze my hands and face

It's cold
I'm alone once again
The bus stop seems so far away
But class wasn't canceled
I still had to go
No matter how much I wanted to skip
Even if it was only Russian

I knew my day was ruined
All because she didn't say hi
All because of a small unexpected little thing
I knew my day was ruined..

A Poem..

I was walking to the bus stop this morning to wait for the bus to get to class when it suddenly came to me.. Share it with you. Also, sorry for not updating, life has been a little on the down side for me lately..

It's cold
The wind is blowing
The snow is falling
Although it's early April
The road is grey
Wet with melting snow
And murky puddles of ice cold water

Little bits of green pokes out of the ground
But still surrounded by great patches of grey blackish snow
It's late spring
But is seems like winter has just begun
I'm alone

I walk alone
I stand alone
On this cold dreary road
On my way to the bus stop
On my way to class

It's cold
The wind buffets my face
I have no feeling on my nose nor ears
My eyes are partially closed
Afraid the swirling snow would enter them

Time is passing
Life is flying
People are moving
Cars speed by me
Uncaring as they ferry their passengers to their destination

I walk alone
The cold enters my head
I recalled
It came back to me
That which I had tried so hard to hide
That which I had thought had successfully put away
That I had thought I had finally left behind

It came to me
I was thinking
Someone I admired
Someone I looked up to
Someone who stayed next to me
Someone named Marcus

But together with it
Together with that thought
It came to me
That he might have actually liked her too

I silently wished them all the best
I wanted to feel happy for them
But that was only for a short while
Memories flooded back to me
Memories which were supposed to be pleasant, meaningful
Came back to haunt me, disturb me

No!
I must not think like that
I must not harbour thoughts like that
She can go with whoever she likes
Whoever is meant for her
He can go with whoever he likes
Whoever is meant for him

I have to walk my path
Be it alone or with company
And mercifully
The bus came
Warmth
Safety from the wind
Comfort
I went to class

I went to class..