Fall..

By fall, I do not mean autumn nor the action of falling down and injuring one's pride and physical body. By fall I mean the fall that one takes emotionally by certain things that happen during the day which saps one's energy and mood and all happiness from one's life.

Hay fever is starting. Pollen count rising steeply. Dandelions blossoming everywhere. You can see the small while "umbrellas" floating wherever you look.

Random April (or May) showers occuring every few days. These showers are hot when the sun is out and freezing cold when cloudy. Got caught in one today. Wasn't pleasant and didn't do anything to wash away my black mood.

Teachers are being stressed out by the increasing number of students trying to catch up with their pending examinations or oral tests so they can take their finals coming within the next 2 weeks. So since their stress levels increase, they give us hell. And it rises exponentially..

Hate liars. Or rather, hate lazy lecturers who lie just to get students to attend their boring and "waste of time" classes. Wasted an entire morning when I could be resting or studying just to attend surgical care in which all we did was to copy some notes. Wish I had the other lecturer who performed a major surgery for his group to observe.

Hate being alone. Wish I was ready to have a girlfriend or betrothed who could lift me up when I was down.

Hate it when things don't go my way. God, I'm talking to you about this one. Whatever happened to the times when I could ask and receive? Am I now not able to receive blessing or help?

Finals are coming in a week's time. I'm not fully prepared. Orals, mcqs, written tests all crammed one after another. Some clashing, some to be taken on same days. Time is of the essence.

Body not functioning well. Getting frequent colds. Went looking for Clarinase this morning. Helped some. Hope I don't get a cold on the day I'm to fly back. Don't want to be quarantined in KLIA just because I have hints of sinus and a slight increase in temperature..

Understand why I fall today?
I kept a black mood today.
Celebrating ZhiHao's birthday, they messed up my bathroom with cream.
Spent an hour cleaning up the bathroom.
Spent another hour washing my clothes.
Wasted another hour trashing dirtied rug.
Wasted half an hour nursing my dried, torn, wrinkled and hurting hands.

Cried on the bus on my way home from class.
Suddenly recalled my past experience with C.
Berrated myself and regretted the things I did wrong.
The breakup was my fault.
The things I did only increased the distance between us.
Now I can see.
But to cry now is useless, nothing.
The past is the past and will never come back.
Bygones are bygones.
I wish..

Today wasn't a good day.
I fell.
And I fell hard.
Black clouds covered my sky.
A night's sleep should help temporarily.
Goodnight.
Damned..

PS. The female horses visited me last night again. I keep dreaming about stupid things. But they are so clear. Even now, I can recall the stress, fright, furiousness, and running I did. Why do I dream? And more importantly, why do I dream about her? It's not fair. I tell myself to ignore, to forget. Subconsciously? Damned..