Killer!!

Yesterday, 9/04/09 Thursday, I watched 2 chicken embryos writhe and die as we opened their 1 week old egg shells and poured the contents on a petri dish. It was for studying virus culturing in Microbiology class.

Omgoodness.. The tiny unformed embryo, that looked just like a 3 week old human embryo, had large black eyes that couldn't blink because there weren't any eye lids, small stubs where the wings and legs were supposed to be gave occasional spasms. We could even observe the heart beating occasionally. It died about 5 mins after exposure and the yolk sac broken.

I was told to pour the ounce of flesh and building materials into a jar of strong detergent to make sure all living cells are killed/destroyed/broken down. There were 6 classes going on, if each class had 2 embryonated eggs, that would be 12 chicks killed. Oh wow..

I'll place the video up here after editing..

*I actually felt a little pity for the little embryo. Guess I need to toughen myself up a bit. I can't be a researcher nor a doctor if I feel over experimental subjects*

Another poem

I was going to Russian class this morning and while leaving the hostel, this came to me again. I wonder if I should quit medicine and take up a career in poem composing..

It's weird how sometimes a small unexpected little thing can ruin your entire day..
I came down the lift
Unexpectedly met 2 friends
Of whom would usually say hi and was really really friendly
But this time when I mumbled hi
I only got 1 reply
And that was from her friend standing next to her
They walked into the life and disappeared
And I was left on the 1st floor wondering away

Did anything happen that I was unaware of?
Did something happen that really made a gap?

And I exited my hostel
And the wind was howling again
And there were small flakes of snow
Just swirling with the wind
Some landed on my face
Some landed on my hands
And while they melted
They froze my hands and face

It's cold
I'm alone once again
The bus stop seems so far away
But class wasn't canceled
I still had to go
No matter how much I wanted to skip
Even if it was only Russian

I knew my day was ruined
All because she didn't say hi
All because of a small unexpected little thing
I knew my day was ruined..

A Poem..

I was walking to the bus stop this morning to wait for the bus to get to class when it suddenly came to me.. Share it with you. Also, sorry for not updating, life has been a little on the down side for me lately..

It's cold
The wind is blowing
The snow is falling
Although it's early April
The road is grey
Wet with melting snow
And murky puddles of ice cold water

Little bits of green pokes out of the ground
But still surrounded by great patches of grey blackish snow
It's late spring
But is seems like winter has just begun
I'm alone

I walk alone
I stand alone
On this cold dreary road
On my way to the bus stop
On my way to class

It's cold
The wind buffets my face
I have no feeling on my nose nor ears
My eyes are partially closed
Afraid the swirling snow would enter them

Time is passing
Life is flying
People are moving
Cars speed by me
Uncaring as they ferry their passengers to their destination

I walk alone
The cold enters my head
I recalled
It came back to me
That which I had tried so hard to hide
That which I had thought had successfully put away
That I had thought I had finally left behind

It came to me
I was thinking
Someone I admired
Someone I looked up to
Someone who stayed next to me
Someone named Marcus

But together with it
Together with that thought
It came to me
That he might have actually liked her too

I silently wished them all the best
I wanted to feel happy for them
But that was only for a short while
Memories flooded back to me
Memories which were supposed to be pleasant, meaningful
Came back to haunt me, disturb me

No!
I must not think like that
I must not harbour thoughts like that
She can go with whoever she likes
Whoever is meant for her
He can go with whoever he likes
Whoever is meant for him

I have to walk my path
Be it alone or with company
And mercifully
The bus came
Warmth
Safety from the wind
Comfort
I went to class

I went to class..

The best day in my life (currently)..

24th March 2009. I'll remember this day and the 23rd for quite a long time. Let me tell my story.

I remember sharing with quite a number of people on Saturday the 21st of March 2009 that I had biochemistry colloq coming up on Monday the 23rd of March. And that I only knew 30% of what I was supposed to know.

And I remember not sharing with most people (only my groupmates know) that I had more than the colloq to prepare for on Monday. Due to being sick on the 2nd class and not attending it; and due to the numerous holidays on Mondays; as well as the One Life Event, I was waay behind my class mini colloq schedule and waay behind my groupmates in my studies. For those who don't know, my new biochemistry teacher gives mini colloq after every class. And those who do not pass those mini colloqs are deemed unknowledgeable and are unable to take colloquims. And so, Chapter 7, Lipid Metabolism, had 5 lessons. And I was only at lesson 3.

That meant, I had to take the mcq exam for lesson 3, lesson 4, lesson 5, colloq, and lipid pathways. Then, I had to take the written and oral exam for lesson 4 before I was legible to attempt the colloq written and oral. Any coursemate of mine would agree with me that it was impossible, considering also the fact that we had other colloqs to prepare for at the same time.

So, on Saturday, I drank 3 cups of coffee "kao", even though I knew my caffeine tolerance had dropped way below zero. I somehow, perhaps due to the stress that was building up in me, I just took the coffee, even though from recent experience, I knew I would become very very sick. And lo, I fell sick. Mind you, I wasn't biologically sick (bacteria, virus induced immune reaction and inflammation) but I became extremely sick physiologically (nervous system, digestive system and smooth muscle system affected). After studying physiology and biochemistry, I can tell you that for most body functions to be initiated, the cells must produce a substance called "cAMP'. This "cAMP" must then be destroyed by "phosphodiesterase" in the cell membrane so that the functions can cease, allowing the body to rest and regain energy. Caffeine, inhibits "phosphodiesterase", thus, disallowing the cells to rest. That's why, within an individual's tolerance level, caffeine keeps the body active, allowing the individual to keep working for an extended period of time. But above tolerance level stresses out the body and is accompanied by reactions such as discomfortness in the abdomen and heart areas; and huge headaches. And due to lack of sleep, the eyes become dry and painful to keep open. And at this period of time, the individual will find it very hard to sleep as the body is unable to relax.

There, a science student's blog.. Sorry to bore you readers. But I wanted you all to understand exactly what I felt and went through after MF on saturday night. And then I sat down and began to run through lessons 4 and 5. It was like an express bullet train. I didn't sleep for almost the whole night. And by 5.30am sunday morning, I had managed to finish my note and scheme taking for both lessons. ChiaZhen accompanied me for awhile around 2-3am since he accidentally drank some of that same coffee too. Well, at 5.30am, I went back to my room to rest awhile. At that time, my head was heavy, my eyes hurting, and I had a very big discomfort in my abdomen (without pain). My heart rate was increases and blood pressure throbbing against my temples. I had already gave Marcus the responsibility to drag me to church no matter what and so I decided to try to get as much sleep as I could.

Lying down was as uncomfortable as being awake. With a body that couldn't rest nor relax, I couldn't fall asleep at all even though I was super tired. I tossed and turned and finally piled my "family" around me and fell into a light unrested sleep. My family you ask? My 3 dolphins, 2 dogs, 1 killer whale, 1 cow and 1 zebra/giraffe mix. When my roommate Andrew got up to prepare for church, he woke me up unintentionally too. And that was it, gone, I couldn't sleep anymore. So I prepared for church, and at 9am, left my hostel. Met Amy in the metro and we went to church together.

In church, I was thinking of resting in the house of the Lord. I even told and agreed with Marcus about getting rest in God's presence. But He kept me awake. He kept me through the service and the sermon and gave me 2 tight slaps, reminding me about His presence and His promise that His kindness, peace and mercy will never depart from me. Remember my last post, the one asking for God to help me and remind me constantly of His love and mercy and blessing? Well, His answer came on sunday and He kept me awake to hear it. And I finally raised my hand during the time for prayer and had Marcus and Amy pray for me. It was so wonderful to have family and my "big boss" pray for me. And immediately after the prayer, my headache and stomach discomfort eased greatly. Praise God. That was really refreshing.

Then, after church, I collected my assigned One Life Event pledged money, attended a musician's meeting and rushed home alone. And my groupmates, bless them, especially WanSim, dragged me to attend their biochem variant discussion. When she first asked me to join them, I was skeptical. I knew I wouldn't understand anything from lesson 4 and 5 and I didn't want to hold them back. But they didn't take no for an answer and I was forcefully dragged to join with the group discussion. Bless their souls, that really helps lots in my preparation. As I listened to their discussions, all the pieces of information I took in on sunday morning started to make sense and I could remember them more easily. And they discussed special points that I never noticed from the textbook and drilled me till I could remember the points as well as them.

I collapsed into bed around 6pm while my roommates cooked dinner. And I was woken up for prayer meeting. Took my dinner after prayer meeting, "kepo" a bit with the first years, then went back to the study room to continue my revision. Then, around 2am, I went back to my room to revise my mcqs. I was given a program similar to the one used by the biochemistry department for mcq tests. So I decided to prepare the mcq for lesson 5. I worked at it and worked at it and found my eyes closing. 2 whole days is really close to my limit. I ran through the mcq for lesson 4 and because my roommate Andrew woke up to study for Pathology, I asked him to wake me up at 6.30am so I could continue my revision after an hour's sleep since I found it extremely hard to keep my eyes open anymore.

I was shocked awake by WanSim at 7.30am who was leaving and came to drag me along with her. I asked Andrew why he didn't wake me at 6.30am and he told me I was so deep asleep that I was oblivious to any outside stimulation. It was a wonder that WanSim could wake me up. So I rushed to pack and got ready in 5 mins but had to give up my mcq revision. WanSim gave me her hard copy of the mcqs for me to study in the metro and I bought a "shaurma" (burrito) for breakfast before rushing to class.

I knew I was dead. But I told God I handed everything into His Hands and unashamedly begged for His blessing and mercy. And my teacher came. As expected, she didn't allow me to do my colloq and so I asked her to allow me to attempt my lesson 4 written and oral. I rushed through the written part and during the oral, thanks to my groupmates' discussion, I could give her the answers she required and passed through the mini colloq. Then we were told to do our mcqs. So I attempted mcq for lesson 3 and failed! Shocked, I ran out to revise the variant WanSim gave me earlier then begged Anton to allow me to try again. Thank God he was kind to me that day and gave me a second chance.

I passed, gave my teacher the marks and asked if I could attempt mcq for lesson 4. Permission granted, I did the mcq.

I passed, gave my teacher the marks and asked if I could try the mcq for lesson 5. My teacher gave me that disbelieving look but allowed me to try.

I passed, gave my teacher the marks and this time, she asked me if I wanted to attempt the colloq mcq. I nodded and rushed back into the computer room. Thanking God all the way..

I passed, went to my teacher and she told me to do the lipid pathways mcq. The student taking oral exam with her had eyes opened wide as I went in and out of the computer room. She asked me later if I was a genius. I told her I thank God for giving me the knowledge to decipher the mcq questions based solely on what I could remember about that topic.

I passed the lipid pathways mcq, went to my teacher and asked if I could now attempt the colloq questions. She looked at me and smiled, and told me to wait while she went to find me a variant since she had run out of questions.

All my friends had 2 1/2 hours to prepare for the colloq. I only had less than an hour. So I wrote everything in short form and was preparing to explain everything to my teacher during the oral part. And lo, I didn't even have time to do the oral, I was chased out of the class and had to hand up my paper to my teacher. I knew she was free on Tuesday, so I begged to be allowed to go to her and do my oral on tuesday. Praise God, permission was granted.

And on tuesday, I went to the dean's office to meet her. Her response when she saw me was, "Aaron Group 8 right?" and I could only nod. Because everyone else who went to her had to state their names and group numbers. That meant she already knew me and could remember me. The guy who was so behind in his work and exams but trying to get rid of them. And she found my paper and started to discuss my questions orally with me. I was told my question 1(a) had a pretty good answer. But problems arised from questions 1(b,c,d,e), 2(a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h), 3(a,b,c,d) and 4(b,c,d). That meant almost the entire paper had problems or dissatisfaction.

I was so scared. But I put on that "confident-know-it-all" mask and did my best to answer her questions. She asked me why I didn't write formulas, I showed her the formulas she required that I did write for the previous question. She asked me why my pathways were incomplete at the beginnings, I showed her the connection of pathways from those in the previous questions. In short, I had answered perfectly, but with a lot of short forms and breakages which were meant to be filled up orally since I didn't have time to write them down.

She finally gave me a "4". And I jokingly asked for more. She told me it wasn't possible since I had so much of her scribbles on my test paper and I nodded. I didn't expect more anyway. Then while she was writing my marks in her record book, she put down "4.5" and said, "oih, maybe I give you "4.5", so you must do better next time". That really made my day. I was so happy I thanked her, ran over to the dean's office to take my passport and visa, then rushed home. Messaged my parents, and told dad that I wanted to treat myself to something nice to eat and that he would be paying. And I rushed home and fell asleep.

Finally, I wasn't behind in my biochemistry anymore. I was on par with my groupmates and I could study along with them and take the appropriate mini colloqs together with them.

I had deemed completing 70% in 2 days impossible as it had taken me 2 weeks to complete the first 30%. But now I know that with God's help, nothing is impossible. As long as you ask and allow Him to do His will and work in your life, you'll find that nothing is impossible nor improbably with God. He can work miracles. All we need to do is our best and He will do that rest.

Praise the Lord. He lives and still takes care of me.

PS. By the way, I've been so busy that I haven't had time to miss having a girlfriend. =p Again, thank You Lord for helping me in this aspect.

PPS. I'm starting to be able to open up again to C and treat her as a friend. I suppose it means I'm really starting to be successful in leaving the past behind me. Moving onward. Praising God.

Parable of the sower.

Mark 4:1-9
The sower and his seed
Mark 4:13-20
The explanation

The types of ground
The wayside ground
The stony ground
The thorny ground
The good ground

The wayside ground
The wayside heart
Downtrodden and hardened
Cynical and disappointed
Expected but did not receive

The stony ground
The stony heart
Uncleared
Full of pride and rebelliousness
Growth is possible
But full of unsteadiness
Hear and influenced
But easily affected and toppled

The thorny ground
The thorny heart
The thorns
The cares of the world
The deceitfulness of riches
The lust for things of the world
The focus of life on himself
To trust in himself
To love himself
To grow but easily choked and suppressed by worldly problems

The good ground
The good heart
The results
Sprouting
Growing
Producing
To hear and do
To listen and obey

The planting of the seed
Exterminate the weeds
Clear the ground
Till the soil
Plant
Water
Expect

The planting of the seed
Dying to self and the world
Renounce the pride and rebelliousness
Breaking up the heart
Planting the seed
Following up
Awaiting the harvest

Me
My heart
Does not have good ground
I have a wayside heart
Partially stony
Partially thorny
I'm bitter
I expected but did not receive
I refused to acknowledge His wisdom
I refused to see His way
At times
I grow
But pressure comes
Tests come
I fall
At times
While growing
Stress and worries
Inhibit growth
Or completely kills me

I forget His love
I forget His presence
I forget His mercy
I forget His blessings
I forget His wonders
I forget His miracles
I forget His help
I forget His availability
I forget His providence
I forget He has always been there
Waiting

O Lord
I am ashamed
To only remember You when all else fails
Why Lord
Do I not think of You first
Whenever trials or problems arise
Why Lord do I attempt with my own strength
Only to fail miserably
Only to fall hard
Only to injure myself
And only after that
Do I remember about You
And think about turning to You

O Lord
Remind me
That You are always there
That Your door is always open
You always welcome me
You are waiting
You want to cleanse me
You want to fill me
You want to empower me
You want to care for me
You want to forget all that is past

O Lord
Take away the lies of the devil
Who makes me feel ashamed
Who makes me feel unworthy
Who makes me feel unclean
Who makes me feel unwanted
Who tells me I can never go back to You

O Lord
Help me turn back to You
Teach me Your ways
Impart to me Your wisdom
And mold me with Your Hands

O Lord
Remind me to always put You first
In every trial
Problem
Test
Fun
Enjoyment
In every aspect of my life
And not to remember You
Only after the hour of doom is at hand

O Lord
Forgive me
And I thank You
For the timely reminder
Of the grounds
And the hearts
And of my heart

Lord Jesus
Bridge the gap between You and me
I beg of You
Make me feel wanted
Make me feel loved
Make me feel Your available-ness
O Lord
Thank You

Take away the depression
Fill it's place with cheerfulness
Make me able to live life
Bringing light to those around me





PS. Lord, today I miss having a girlfriend again. Please take away that feeling so that I can continue to learn how to live life relying on You and not on humans. Please teach me so that You can prepare me for more.

PPS. Mom, dad, I signed up to go for missions in China this coming August 2009. I left it to God to decide for me. If I'm meant to go, the first step would be to provide me with a place in the missions team. Then everything else would fall into place. If my application is rejected, I know I'm meant for greater things back home with you two. Please pray for me and this missions decision. I will receive the reply next week.

God bless all.

A few birthdays..

15th, Sunday, was Bryan Teoh's birthday.
16th, Monday, was Charmaine Gan's birthday.
17th, Tuesday, was Yow Kian Hong's birthday.

So here was the fun we had planning and executing their "demise".. =p

I made whipped cream, specially for playing. But at midnight Sunday morning, the idiot refused to come out of the bathroom after he took his bath. And since church on Sunday was a must must, we couldn't wait for him and slept first. He thought he was safe. He wasn't, never was. Only pissed us off cuz we waited for him and cuz my load of cream was wasted.

I had told Charmaine last year about my opinion that playing with the birthday cake was a waste since the part that was smeared on the birthday kid's face couldn't be eaten. And I shared with her my idea of making cream to play instead of using the cake. And so, for quite a long time already, I had planned making a cake from pure cream to smash into someone's face. And since she was the first to hear my idea, she was to be my first guinea pig. =]

I made the cream, froze it into a cuboid shaped mass. And my roomies helped me come up with ideas to decorate it.

We didn't want to waste candles, so James offered his "mushroom" biscuit.

Charmaine is my age, 21 this year. =]

And we went.. (",)

Notice the smashing of the "cake"?
It was a success because she really thought it was a cake..!! Ah hahahaha..

I wasn't supposed to be involved..
Initial plan only included Charmaine and Bryan..

But.. =]

And the floor.. (",)
Dun worry, I helped clean up..

But that wasn't all. Her roomies planned to give her a really nice surprise by bullying her on a few floors in the hostel. And they also prepared a video with recordings of birthday wishes from 1st year and 2nd year friends as well as birthday messages from her family, taken with disgression.

So, on Monday, after their Russian class, we who were already prepared gathered outside Charmaine's class to surprise her. And here are brief clips of what they went through. =p

Hope u all enjoyed what I enjoyed.. =]

Nobody.

I'm a nobody.
Not to her,
Not to them,
Not even to myself.
I'm just a nobody who doesn't mean much (if not anything) in everyones' eyes..
I'm a nobody.