I'm A Friggin' Hypocrite..!

I'm a friggin' hypocrite!!

Darn, I can look like nothing on the outside when I'm living my life or especially when I'm concentrating upon doing something. But the turmoil inside hurts. It really hurts, and there's little I can do about it. I can't decide what to do, can't decide where to go, can't decide what to think etc..

I chatted with an old friend earlier during the day. He had some God related problems and was confused after reading my blog. So he just wanted to confirm if everything he read were real. I told him they were real. I told him those were my heartfelt feelings. I told him to believe in God and never let go. I told him to have faith and keep moving on. I told him a lot of things that came from my brain but not from my heart. I did NOT tell him those feelings in the blog were only during the time of the event. I did NOT tell him my heart and life were dry now. I did NOT tell him that my heart was in a turmoil. I did NOT want him to fall further because of me.

*guess I still have a little sense of me in me yet...*

But I'm confused myself. I'm wondering if what I'm going through is supposed to be beneficial. Or did I just bring upon myself this "judgement" because of what I did or what I didn't do. What? Why? How? When?

I don't know.
I don't suppose I'd ever know.

I do know that the last time I loved someone (actually still do) I filled my time with her. I lived a rather good and filled life. A life without gaps, a life that was meaningful and had time for everything I needed to do, to accomplish, even if a big chunk was spent on her. But now.. I'm alone. My time is for me alone. And I find, it isn't meaningful, it has a lot of gaps, a lot of splinters that I didn't know how to fill up. And yet, I did not have enough time at all. Time flies at the speed of light now. Time slips past me now. I'm lazy, I'm moody, I'm filled with hatred at myself. And yet, I don't show it. I cannot show it. I made a promise not to affect those around me. But...sigh..

I've made a decision to not touch my computer this whole week unless it's to answer msn or study biochemistry mcqs. No internet, no games, no e-mail, no facebook..

So I'll probably be blogging at a really high frequency since that's the only thing I can do. I wonder if that'll turn my life around or not.

I wish that..
I wish for..
And I wish for..
And I really wish that if only, if only she would...!! But she never will. It's pointless.. It always has been..

Goodbye.