"7 pounds" and my life

I just finished watching the movie 7 Pounds. And this is probably the first movie since The Passion Of Christ to make me cry. I didn't know why, I didn't know how, all I knew was suddenly there was that all familar chest and throat tightening, and tears flowed uncontrollably. A part of me didn't want to embarass myself in front of my roommate James, but another part of me was rather relieved to find that I was still human and was able to cry. Heck, I've been wanting to cry for quite a time already. I found life to be really unfair when I looked at it from my point of view. But everytime I wanted to talk it over, everytime I sat down and really looked at it from God's point of view, it was fair. In time, I ended up not looking at my life. All I did was feel that it sucked and that was that. I didn't want to comfort myself anymore, either God was going to bring something good into my life, or it was going to remain "emo".

I wikipedia-ed the word "emo", to get a better grasp of it's meaning. And all that turned up were a bunch of words explaining that "emo" was some kind of song or music. That sucked. I had always been made to think that "emo" was emotional or used to describe people who hated themselves and hated life. Usually, "emo" people tried suicide.

See? Now I can't say I'm "emo". I'm not a band, I'm not into music. I'm just into stuff that can temporarily take my mind away from the matters that I think too much about.

And this is my problem. God cannot bring more into my life if I'm not able to do with what I have now. I'm always asking for more, I'm always insisting for more, and even though God gives me more, I want more than I already have. And thus, He takes away. He takes away until I can learn to live with less. Goddammit.. I've been wanting to say that for some time already. But I can't say it out loud. So here, Dang, Dammed, Screwed up Bastard. There. I've just ruined the my image and as of this blog. But i can't live life this way anymore.

I've stopped praying. I can't find the heart nor the mood to pray. Some times when the atmosphere is generated (prayer meeting) I can talk to God. But never about my problem. Never. And after all is said and done, I feel like the worse hypocrite ever alive on planet earth. I can't tell the devil to leave me alone, for he won't. He'll just come at me more and more. But I can tell God to leave me alone, and He will. But that's not what I want. I want a life free of troubles and worries and problems. I want to enjoy life, to have fun and get all I can from this life before it ends.

Now I can see why I was not given large, long-term responsibilities. I can not handle them. Imagine, what would happen to MF if I was left director. It would be long gone. I can't even handle my life. I tell others what to do, I tell others their problem, I tell others what they refuse to accept although true. But I can't handle my life. My life itself is such a mess that it would take centuries to put it right. And I don't even have 1 century.

I was never ready for a relationship. Never. I can always say or think that I'm ready. I also feel ready at times. But I never am. Now all I can do is apologize to those I've hurt emotionally because of my stupidity. Even the last one failed terribly because I took what was given to me and pushed ahead for more. I am much better at putting on my mask now. People actually believe there's nothing wrong with me when I say so. Guess it doesn't worry anyone now.

I am a chicken. I would never ever have the guts to plan and excecute such a plan that was done in the movie 7 Pounds. I can talk all I want about it but I will never be able to do it. I probably cried during the movie because I could never do what the main character did. He made a name for himself and and impact to those around him and will now be remembered for a long time for what he did. But me? What can I do? What will I ever do? Nothing. I will be nothing, and will be a nobody for the rest of my life. I don't think people ever think about me. And now I refuse to believe that anyone actually cares a damn about me. Because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid of opening up my heart again and making it vulnerable. I'm afraid to believe that anyone in this world will actually like me. I hate myself. Like a "cold fish".

But my teaching prevails..

That means, deep down inside, I'm still seeking God. I still want to do what's right, somehow. So I guess tonight will be the last night I think and feel like this. Starting tomorrow, life will be better. Ignore that which must be ignored and look towards that which needs my attention. And I need the strength to move on and leave the past where it is.

PS. As a footnote, to Charis and Gan, I envy the both of you. To James, I wish I could be as carefree as you. And to Marcus, I want your brains and brawn. My life, sucks as of now. *peace out*