Sunday, September 13, 2009

Down but ... out?

This is bad. It seems to be a relapse of last year. No mood to study, no endurance to push forward, sliding backwards and downwards. This is bad, really bad. I wonder why.

I guess I know why, and I'll need to get to the root and settle it. But my self-control is really really poor. What about this year's responsibilities? No! I want to, yet I don't want to. I need someone to control me, but I'm not a girl, no one will take care of me other than myself.

I'm falling sick once again. Bad health? Cellular problems? Immunodeficiency? Sigh..

I'm not relying on God once again. Sigh, will I wait for God to hit me again before I step back up? Or will I find the strength to go back to Him myself? Time will tell, but time isn't what I have right now.

Lonely again. Keeping busy keeps those thoughts away. But the current me has no motivation to keep busy at all. I love the time in classes when I'm working my brain. But to do that I'll need to prepare class material in advance. Where's the motivation. Whatever happened to asking Jesus to fill the empty space in my heart?

This can't go on. But can I make it stop?

I can't stay down. I must not!

Get up Aaron..GET UP NOW!!!

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