Saturday, November 21, 2009

Joy Like A Child

It's been a long time since I last came here myself. Though, I really do wonder if anyone has really been curious enough about me to keep up the blog visits even with the lack of activity. Come to think of it, I really don't think so.

Anyway, I just realized that I've changed. I've lost the joy and excitability I used to have. Looking at my sister laughing and chatting away non stop at every single thing, making my tired friends YKH and JT laugh, I realized that things have changed for me. I used to be exactly like that. I would talk non stop, I would become excited at every single little thing that occured, I would laugh and chatter and unknowingly lift up the spirits of those who were around me.

But now..

As my sister chatters away, I stand in the background, arms crossed, a tired look in my eyes. I just cannot bring myself to say a word, much less laugh. Even a smile takes effort. I wish I could be home, with my family, resting, chilling, playing, sleeping. Anything but thinking. I realized that I've probably mixed a little too much with my friends, with whom would ignore me while I was excited because they probably feel as much as I do now, wanting to get home and leave the tiredness of the world behind.

Thus..

By and by I learnt to shut up. I learnt to keep silent, to keep to myself. I learnt to "grow up". I learnt that "grown ups" are supposed to keep to themselves, to keep quiet and to ignore the cheerful and excited. "Grown ups" look down on "children".

Looking at the bright side, I probably make much less of a fool of myself at occasions since I'm not that active anymore. But I can't help but wonder if my growing up just so that I could mix with my friends was a mistake. Have I lost what it takes to be a child of God? Have I completely lost the cheerfulness, the optimism, the brightness of being a "child"? God only knows.

The bible does say that we need to have the joy of a child, the faith of a child. Children seem to be much better than adults. Why did I grow up.. It's too late now.

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