Worry

Worry, was; is; and always will be, a part of our lives. Whether we like it or not. Worry for some, is bad, because it brings along disease, problems, premature aging etc. And worry for some, is good, because it helps them rely more on God, to see his miraculous power and glory, helping them in times of need.

But for me, my worry is self-created. I bring worry upon myself. Traits such as procrastination, laziness, lack of motivation, unwillingness to find out etc etc always lead to worry, and even perhaps, reprimandation, scolding, and if seriously enough, degradation in the student-teacher community and black marked.

And since this worry was self-brought upon, I have no face to turn back to God. I have no right to waste my time and life away, and as deadlines draw closer, hug God's feet and beg with tears. I have no right to ask for something I do not deserve. And so, I worry alone. Alone..

All alone..

Один..

Joy Like A Child

It's been a long time since I last came here myself. Though, I really do wonder if anyone has really been curious enough about me to keep up the blog visits even with the lack of activity. Come to think of it, I really don't think so.

Anyway, I just realized that I've changed. I've lost the joy and excitability I used to have. Looking at my sister laughing and chatting away non stop at every single thing, making my tired friends YKH and JT laugh, I realized that things have changed for me. I used to be exactly like that. I would talk non stop, I would become excited at every single little thing that occured, I would laugh and chatter and unknowingly lift up the spirits of those who were around me.

But now..

As my sister chatters away, I stand in the background, arms crossed, a tired look in my eyes. I just cannot bring myself to say a word, much less laugh. Even a smile takes effort. I wish I could be home, with my family, resting, chilling, playing, sleeping. Anything but thinking. I realized that I've probably mixed a little too much with my friends, with whom would ignore me while I was excited because they probably feel as much as I do now, wanting to get home and leave the tiredness of the world behind.

Thus..

By and by I learnt to shut up. I learnt to keep silent, to keep to myself. I learnt to "grow up". I learnt that "grown ups" are supposed to keep to themselves, to keep quiet and to ignore the cheerful and excited. "Grown ups" look down on "children".

Looking at the bright side, I probably make much less of a fool of myself at occasions since I'm not that active anymore. But I can't help but wonder if my growing up just so that I could mix with my friends was a mistake. Have I lost what it takes to be a child of God? Have I completely lost the cheerfulness, the optimism, the brightness of being a "child"? God only knows.

The bible does say that we need to have the joy of a child, the faith of a child. Children seem to be much better than adults. Why did I grow up.. It's too late now.

Down but ... out?

This is bad. It seems to be a relapse of last year. No mood to study, no endurance to push forward, sliding backwards and downwards. This is bad, really bad. I wonder why.

I guess I know why, and I'll need to get to the root and settle it. But my self-control is really really poor. What about this year's responsibilities? No! I want to, yet I don't want to. I need someone to control me, but I'm not a girl, no one will take care of me other than myself.

I'm falling sick once again. Bad health? Cellular problems? Immunodeficiency? Sigh..

I'm not relying on God once again. Sigh, will I wait for God to hit me again before I step back up? Or will I find the strength to go back to Him myself? Time will tell, but time isn't what I have right now.

Lonely again. Keeping busy keeps those thoughts away. But the current me has no motivation to keep busy at all. I love the time in classes when I'm working my brain. But to do that I'll need to prepare class material in advance. Where's the motivation. Whatever happened to asking Jesus to fill the empty space in my heart?

This can't go on. But can I make it stop?

I can't stay down. I must not!

Get up Aaron..GET UP NOW!!!

Now.. 09/09/09

I just got my internet. But I don't have the time to sit down and put down my thoughts, words and deeds for the past few days here. So I guess since I'm bored of studying pharmaco now, I'd just place a few words about the past few days since I got here..

God is good. He's taking care of me, although I still don't understand what He is doing.
I'm currently staying alone in a 3-sitter room, but the mama says she will put the next guy who enters the hostel into my room..
I've just managed to settle down, but I'm on the 1st floor while 90% of my coursemates and friends are staying on the 5th floor..
My 'babies' are still at Kahov hostel, in Alyssa's room. I hope she hasn't cooked and eated any yet..
My room is cold 24/7. The morning sun is blocked by the opposite room while the evening sun is blocked by the apartment behind my hostel.
The bugs here are HUGE!! But at least they're slow flying, so I catch them and squish them and burn them to end their misery quickly.
But I'm really really thankful to my LORD for helping me settle my documents here in Moscow, even though I had to stand for hours, push and squeeze in crowds, and deal with money hungry people, but I still got them done. Praise God.

Oh by the way, today, 09/09/09 is my parents' 24th Wedding Anniversary. Dear mom, dear dad, thanks for bringing me to this world, to be able to feel, experience what the world holds for me. Thank you both for standing by me through the joy and the laughter, though the tears and the pain, for holding me when I was lonely, for teaching me when I was unlearned, for helping me whenever I fell into 'deep shit'. I just can't thank you both enough and all I can do now is tell you 'I LOVE YOU BOTH' from the bottom of my heart.

I LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD..!! HUGS AND KISSES FROM YOUR ELDEST SON AARON. I WILL MAKE YOU BOTH PROUD OF ME..!!

Update.

It's been some time since I last got to update this blog. I've been having some stressful moments worrying about things that I suppose I shouldn't need to worry about.

Currently I'm living in Spartiv, bunking in Andrew Kok's room for the time being. Amy has entered Yougo hostel and is currently settling down and living with her old roommates. My coursemates and I will move to Kuzmin hostel on Monday when the people staying there evacuate our rooms. Of course I'll have to rush to the dean's office with Amy on Monday to obtain my permission slip to enter Kuzmin to stay.

Now I've not unpacked, for fear that moving later will be very much troublesome. I'm also not too happy because I'm disturbing Andrew's privacy. Staying at Spartiv means I'm staying as a guest in a friend's room. I guess I should be thankful that I have a bed and don't need to sleep on the floor unlike some of my other friends. Then again, I want very much to have a permanent hostel and great roommates. But it doesn't seem like that'll happen this year. I have to adapt, to keep thinking positive thoughts for whatever happens to me.

Went to church today. The message title was "The Journey-Part 1-Ready to Travel"
It seems like God spoke to me and told me to prepare to take a journey with Him, so be obedient to His words, and to have faith in His plans, and He will provide me with everything I'll need. It won't be easy, but as I was reminded today, He has never failed me in the past, so why would this time be any different? I need to trust Him, to place my life in His Hands and to allow Him to shape and mold me into the vessel that He can use for His Work here on this earth. And the molding and shaping process is what will hurt the most. I suppose I have to endure it so as to be able to increase and to be prepared for more things in the future.

Exodus 12:1-12 Talks about the preparation for the passover. How God gave instructions and how the israelites had to follow or perish. And how God provided them with all they needed by allowing them to "plunder" the Egyptions before leaving Egypt. Exodus 14:5-7,10-12 talks about needing to have faith in whatever God does.

The world promises destiny, but one is always left wanting more. God says today, "come on a journey with Me". I guess I have to prepare and go. Whatever comes will be from God. And I take comfort in these words that God hath said to me: "I will not allow you to go though something that you are unable to stand, I will only give you tests and trials that I know very well you are able to get though and by that, although it may very well hurt you to the bone, but if you pass the test, you will come out a better man."

Lord Almighty, my insignificant life is in Your Hands. Please protect and guide me along. Amen.

Thoughts..

Here I am, sitting in Dubai airport waiting for time to pass so that I can board the plane that would take me to Moscow. But I'm worried. I'm afraid. I'm stressed out. I'm frustrated. And there's nothing I can do.

I still need to worry about finding a place to stay when I reach Moscow. I might be able to enter Spartiv hostel to stay temporary with seniors. But if possible it would be so much better to immediately enter Kuzmin hostel as a guest so that I can settle down immediately after getting my Kuzmin hostel pass.

Someone lost the luggage that I stored in Moscow. The things that I kept inside, even I can't remember the exact things, but they were mine, and thus they were important. How could people be so careless. Such a big bag, such a heavy bag, and they could allow some unknown person to steal it from under their noses.

I'm worrying about the process of settling down. My classes start on the 1st of Sept, but I can only move into my assigned hostel on the 31st of Aug. And after moving in, I'll need to unpack, settle down, shop for groceries and neccessities, obtain library books, pay fees, pay insurance, confirm residence for a year, make visa..etc etc. And the list goes on. Problem is, I only have 1 day to try to complete all that..

But I suppose I'll have to learn to completely rely on God. He has taken care of me for so long and has never failed to give me the best. So why would He not do so now? It's just my human nature that will keep worrying and wondering and waiting. I still need to learn patience, to allow God's time and plans to come to pass.

Lord, my life is in Your Hands. Take it and care for it. Whatever happens, I will do my very best to accept and adept. But it definitely won't be easy. Lord, help me.

21st Birthday

22nd August, went back to Ipoh to celebrate me birthday with my family and immediate relatives.
Custom was whoever turned 21, he/she had to "belanja" everyone else a really good dinner. So..

Uncle picked East Ocean..

Really posh place..

This is supposed to be a mixed seafood crock pot. Whatever seafood you name, it's there..

Veggies. Never left out of any meal.

Steamed chicken. For those who don't eat seafood and pork.

Tofu with minced meat and leeks.

Char Siew. The "pork".. But it was good. =]

This was what my bowl of mixed seafood looked like..

My cake.

My happy grandparents. Their 5th grandchild just turned 21. =p

Family photo. My lil bro just hasn't learnt to be photogenic yet.. He'll learn to learn..

My "Kampow"

My grandparents' family is so growing. New additions coming in every year. I'm going to be an uncle soon.. =p

I'm 21 now. Have to throw my childhood behind me and take up my role as a young adult. Really going to be needing God's help in this.. Leaving my comfort zone and protectional umbrella of my parents. Long road ahead.. Sigh..